Saturday, March 28, 2009 @ 10:29 PM
Thoughts.
Somehow when the blank page appears, my mind automatically mirrors it..
I've had a fair amount on my mind since the last time i saw this blank page. Just thoughts in general about life, the little things and the big things. It feels like everything's different even though nothing has changed.
My posting at NUH is coming to a close and I have to wonder what I really took from it. I think that at the end of the day, all I really realised is that I don't really know what I want. I used to have these grand ideals about being the one to encourage a woman through her labour, wipe the sweat from her brow and just being there. But I realise, the doctor doesn't do that, the nurses do. And I wonder if that should be the case? If the "more important things to do" are really more important. I just feel that being there to catch the baby after it crowns and making small talk while stitching up the episiotomy is just not enough. It's not enough to spend 6 minutes with every patient in the clinic.
I feel slightly disillusioned, and I wonder what I should do now. Carry on being the doctor that everyone is? Stand up for what I think and power my way through?
Sometimes I feel like fighting - although always courageous and heroic - may not be for everyone. Sometimes I feel like change doesn't always need to come with guns ablazing and stubbornness and resilience. I think sometimes you can find heroism in the quiet survivors of hardship, in patience and the tireless work..
i'm ridiculously tired at this point. and i should just stop writing.. i don't think i'm making sense anymore and i should just stop here.
~
